-Sarah Young
I am writing in hope for some advice. I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the last few years, and really racking up my time here this summer staying over 9 weeks for that deadly necrotizing fasciitis in July/August/September... basically my whole summer. For the most part, the girls have managed well enough at my parent's house during the week, some days being passed around to my sister or in-laws, and then our home with my husband on the weekends. They haven't complained too much and people have made a real effort with trying to get their mind off of stressful things (like their mommy being really sick in the hospital) and we would Skype and have an occasional visit if “operation sneak in toddlers” worked for Jon. But for some reason, this last visit (which has lasted about two weeks) has really gotten to them. They have developed major attachment issues and have developed major anxieties from me being gone for so long. My oldest, Lucy said to me in tears on the phone the other night: “Mommy, I used to think you loved me but now i just don't know. You say I can always believe u but I wake up and your gone. I just don't know who to believe anymore. I just don't know what to do." The last time I came home I put her to bed that night, stroked her soft beautiful face and said that she doesn't have to worry, that Mommy will be here when she wakes up in the morning to cuddle and kiss her, then she closed her eyes with a reassured smile on her face and drifted into sleep. During the night (like most of my episodes) I developed major problems and had to be rushed to the ER once again, and once again mysteriously abandoning my babies in the night (my parents would then come over for the night and then take them in the morning). Also, last time I was home (which was so briefly (2 days)) my little one Isla clung to my neck for dear life and sobbed and sobbed, uttering between tears, “Mommy Mommy! Don't go to hos-spal (hospital). Don't take Mommy away. No, Mommy NO!” I let her fall asleep in my arms, but yet again my body had other plans for me that night as I slipped quietly from her tight grip and slipped quickly away from her world that night, stealing her confidence and any last shred of hope that her mommy will be there for her when she needs her.
Life, yet again, had separated us, had separated the “3 musketeers buddies” that had been so calmly enjoying the simple things in life like silly indoor pick-nicks, stuffed-animal vet clinics, and craft time of gluing “treasures” (anything from a rock to a shiny button to to a scrap of silver foil or evan an old Cheerio they would find in the couch cushions (a great way to clean the house by the way) onto painted paper plates (which by the way, fellow moms, takes up hours (at least at our house) of fun including the “treasure hunting” as the first step.) And all of this life could be gone, poof, stolen in the night with another unexpected GI emergency, and a new life in the morning.
Lucy had put our crazy life so clearly in perspective when she told Jon one morning on her way to preschool: "life just isn't the way I always thought it would be." Being so saddened to hear this, I later brought up it up in casual conversation, and after Lucy repeated her broken expectations, innocent Isla responded trying to be part of the “big girl” conversation, saying: “yeah... just like snakes.” After a little shared smile between Lucy and I, Lucy rolled her eyes and said, “No Isla, like mommy being our friend and playing with us. And now I'm so sad because (then a 30 second burst of tears) I don't want mommy to go heaven first, without me."
There is just so much heart ache, between all of us. And I feel so lost, not knowing what to say or do, and usually in these situations I just hold my dear little ones tightly and rub their backs, but I'm not able to do that... I'm not able to do anything but sit in my hospital bed and pray for them. So here is where I welcome all advice. What do you say to a 2 and 4 year old who desperately need your time and affection (which you cannot give at the moment), what do you say to a child who begs for a promise of security that you will be home and stay home to be their mommy when you know in your heart you can't give that, having no idea what tomorrow, next week or even the rest of life will look like? I'm asking for help, for any wisdom or knowledge or experience with something like this. The last time I was home (last week with lasted a whopping 2 nights) the girls sobbed about how sad they were and begged me not to go to the hospital (or hos-pal as Isla would say) again. They wanted me to promise them that I would be there for them, that I wouldn't disappear anymore. But I was so lost for words... because the truth is I can't give that promise. So what do I say? What do I do to give them hope, reassurance, and sense of stability of my presence when I'm not sure myself?
Tuesday Jon drove me to my Dr's appointment, Isla came being determined not to let me leave her sight, and I thought it would be a good idea to show her that “the doctor” isn't that bad after all, that he won't always “take mommy away.” I thought it would be a positive experience to have her see the doctors “check” me and then to see me come home. My appointment was to follow up from a previous hospital stay for a bacterial infection in my small intestine that really knocked me out good (I was discharged just two days before at this point), but I started to feel the same symptoms again. In the office, I passed out due to severe dehydration which lead me to yet another hospital stay as they later found I still have the same infection. When I was waking up slowly from blacking out, I heard Isla's screams in the hall as Jon pulled her away and the rapid response team began to surround me. “No Mommy, NO! MOMMYYYYY!!!!!!” was the last I heard before I was whisked away to the ER and then to my hospital room. I fought the whole way there (the office was just a building away from the hospital) saying how I needed to go home, that I was fine... I was so determined to not to leave them again, but then after passing out again in the ER in an attempt to escape, I was quickly brought to my room and demoted to “yellow socks,” (which any hospital regular knows you are labeled a 'fall precaution' and loose a lot of personal ability privileges (like being able to pee by yourself :(, so annoying)). Anyway, so I am hear again, trying to do what is best for my children. I demanded that I go home but the Doctors explained that it would be against their advice and wishes so I would have to sign a paper, and if I want to get better for my kids then I first need to fight it here. So here I am, awake this whole night in physical discomfort but even more so in emotional agony. Mothers, Fathers, Christians, human beings.... please, do you have any advice? What do I say to my children? How do I speak the truth but give them reassurance?
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Sorry for my pathetic plea... it must be viewed with the knowledge in mind that I have basically not slept in 2 days, am drugged for the stomach pain, and therefor not held accountable to anything embarrassing I might say or present myself :)
Thank you,
And as always, prayer is always appreciated.
Prayer requests: - That God gives the girls his supernatural peace, understanding and security. - For healing of this infection and for the terminal intestinal problems with malabsorption and loss of fluids through constant diarrhea. - For strength for Jon in holding everything together under work stress. - And thank God for a real blessing as our dear friend Joy moves in with us temporarily to help with the kids, house, and supervise my safety as I recover from everything. - For answers with my reoccurring fainting, low blood sugar, strange liver problems with blood flow, and my hearing: I have recently been diagnosed as “mild-moderately deaf” due from a side-effect from one of my prolonged exposure to an antibiotic during treatment for the necrotizing fasciitis :( - And for a dear friend Lisa who is battling cancer right now with an adorable little girl of her own.
Thank you always,
Laura
“Bold prayers honor God, and God honors bold prayers. God isn’t offended by your biggest dreams or boldest prayers. He is offended by anything less. If your prayers aren’t impossible to you, they are insulting to God. Why? Because they don’t require divine intervention.” ...from a lovely young mother struggling with her health, Lisa Graham Powe
