Noticing

Isla – popsicle breath, paint encrusted finger nails stroking my neck, warm soft cheek resting on my collar bone, big blue eyes looking up adoringly- blinking as the bright sun rays hit them at the height of each sway in the rocking-chair, ears eager to hear the next note of the familiar lullaby, curved corners of the mouth trying to suppress an overwhelming excitement to hold the complete attention and affection of Mommy

Lucy – sitting on her knees in a chair three times her size; hunched over a table populated with crayons, markers and cookie crumbs, chubby fist awkwardly clenched and furiously coloring away what she knows will be the next masterpiece to the person who matters most: Mommy; eager to finish for the proud moment when her artwork is acknowledged with an over-excited gasp and quickly pinned to the fridge... and then a moment of pause, an interruption in process to look up and search the room, eyes squinting and scanning until they lock into mine, then a smile so big that her eyes disappear into wrinkly folds of freckled cheeks, and in that moment of pause there is no need for words to tell each other how deeply we love each other

Why these memories? Why notice the details of a single moment, intentionally storing the sounds, smell, temperature of my children?

In the face of darkness, we only then notice the light... that there even is a light to look at or look for. I have been a Christian for many years but am not proud to say that you probably wouldn't know that most of the time. Like so many others, it's usually not until I desperately need God that I remember how small I am, how fragile life is... how pathetic and depressing life is without knowing that there ultimately is meaning and purpose to everything and the choices I make. I can honestly say that without God intervening in my thoughts and circumstances, I would not make the choice to live here in this world and there is a very scary but real recognition that without knowing the truth of Jesus, I could very easily and probably would have made that happen. So why I am telling you all this... to depress you about my inadequacy as a human? No, quite the opposite. I want to encourage you in your darkest of moments. There IS significance, there IS purpose to this life... even though we are temporarily and partially separated from our creator and suffer in this world, God desires our full attention and responds to those who seek him in a very tangible way (even if it takes really sucky or stale times to realize the need to look for him).

So... In a strange way I am thankful, because if not for trials like Ulcerative Colitis, I would continue to live contently without understanding how absurd and aimless life is without Jesus as my savior. Without this dreadful disease, these recorded memories would be lost to daily routine because I would not have recognized the frailty of life and enjoy what God has given me.

(in direct response to a dear friend who greatly encouraged me with an email concerning my first post, thank you Joy)